Learn how to lighten your child’s load...

Have you ever noticed the harried look on a teenager’s face as they shuffle between school, extracurriculars, and piles of homework? It might seem like typical teenage angst, but it can also be a symptom of profound misery.

It turns out today’s achievement culture is having a harrowing effect on teens. If you’re a parent, the findings in this content will surely hit close to home. This is because childhood has been in transformed into a professional pursuit, and children are paying the price for their parents’ warped definition of success. 

As opportunities become scarcer and the gap between success and failure seems to widen, this corrosive achievement culture is only going to get worse. So what can we do about it? This article will argue that it’s time that parents learned to disentangle self-worth from success – and show their children that they matter regardless of how well or poorly they do in tests or extracurricular activities.

Childhood has been “professionalized” – and it’s making young people sick

What’s life like for teenagers in today’s performance-orientated schools? Just ask Molly, a high school junior from Washington State who agreed to be interviewed. 

Most of her peers, Molly said, study either late into the night or get up very early to keep up with their academic commitments. Molly, not a fan of late nights, said she often sleeps around midnight, only to wake up five hours later for studies or last-minute test preparations – even when she has to participate in athletic activities during the day. On her most exhausted days, she added, she simply runs laps in practice with her eyes closed.

Molly’s statement is a shocking metaphor for an entire generation that’s tirelessly running, eyes shut, in never-ending circles. Our era has birthed what might be called the professionalized childhood. Every second of a child’s life today appears to be meticulously structured to amplify their potential, with an overarching emphasis on competition and high-stakes outcomes. More often than not, youngsters find themselves running a marathon designed by adults, with little to no time for reprieve or even a moment to ponder whether they wish to be in this race at all.

The relentless pursuit of excellence and success, however, doesn’t come without repercussions. While adverse childhood experiences like poverty and exposure to violence have been historically linked to potential risks to a child’s well-being, recent research also identifies students from high-achieving schools as part of the “at-risk” youth demographic. 

These institutions, known for their competitive nature and superior test scores, inadvertently cultivate an environment where students grapple with significant adjustment issues. This phenomenon is closely tied to the incessant pressures students face, both academically and in extracurricular activities. According to some estimates, a full third of American students are under the crushing weight of these achievement pressures.

This is also leading to a crisis in mental health and wellbeing. Cases of stress, anxiety, and depression are skyrocketing among young people, more and more of whom report prolonged feelings of sadness and despair. Multiple factors mold the mental health of these individuals, including societal and media influences that often diminish self-worth. The crux of the issue, however, is clear: the toxic stress pervasive in young people’s lives is causing irrevocable harm, and it falls upon the shoulders of their parents to intervene and mitigate the crisis.

Economic change is making parents anxious – and pushy

Today’s overbearing culture of grade obsession and achievement isn’t spontaneously generated by students. So where does it come from? The short answer is that it’s a product of parental pressure. The longer answer goes like this. 

The United States has always seen itself as a land of boundless opportunities, and for good reason – for great stretches of its history, every generation had the opportunity, with hard work, to become more prosperous than the last. Americans no longer feel that’s the case, however: according to recent polling, two-thirds no longer view generational progress as a given. Objective data backs up this subjective perception. A white middle-class child born in the 1940s, for instance, had a 90 percent chance of out-earning their parents. For a child born in the 1980s, by contrast, that number shrinks to 50 percent. 

Opportunities, then, are becoming scarcer and the human psyche is defaulting to a scarcity mindset. Historically, this mindset kept our ancestors alive, ensuring they prioritized essential resources. Today, it sparks anxiety about dwindling opportunities for our children, making us more risk-averse and overprotective. Contemporary parenting, while seeming extreme, is largely an instinctive response to these underlying insecurities.

Parenting trends have shifted dramatically since the 1980s as a result of such insecurities. On average, American parents spend twice as much time on academic activities with their children as before. Financial investment in their children's futures, in terms of tutors and extracurricular activities, has also surged. This shift aligns with increasing economic disparities, particularly between college graduates and high school graduates. While in the 1970s, college graduates earned only about 50 percent more than those without a degree, this gap has since doubled.

The 1960s and 1970s presented a different parenting landscape altogether. White middle-class parents back then could prioritize their children’s happiness over skill-based achievements, as life was generally more affordable. After World War II, the combination of economic growth, federal policies, and robust labor unions provided a safety net for many families. That’s all gone. Parents now feel it’s up to them to put their children on the path to success as early as possible. The result: a hyper-focused achievement culture in which children often feel commodified. No wonder: their worth has become tied to achievements, forcing them to question their identity and place in society. In a world so obsessed with accomplishment, they ponder if only certain achievements, and hence certain people, hold value.

Parents can help their kids navigate today’s ultra-competitive world by showing them that they matter

Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill, educational researchers at the London School of Economics, have documented a significant thirty-three percent surge in perfectionism among young adults over the past four decades. This rise in unrealistic expectations primarily stems, they argue, from societal pressures and parental demands. Parents aren't intentionally harming their children, in other words – they're responding to a competitive environment accentuated by factors like extreme inequality and social media, which projects unrealistic ideals.

The relationship between parent and child is paramount to a child's mental health. When children can’t meet elevated expectations, they perceive the resulting criticism as a rejection, making them feel unloved. This dynamic pushes them to present an idealized version of themselves to regain affection and security. Ultimately, the underlying issue is that children feel their worth is based on accomplishments rather than their intrinsic value. This has led to confusion between self-worth and achievement, which needs rectification.

The psychological concept of mattering, which emphasizes the importance of feeling valued, plays a critical role in mental well-being. Those who sense they matter to significant figures in their lives, such as their parents, generally exhibit higher self-esteem and fewer depressive symptoms. Mattering is not confined to grand gestures but is also present in the simple acts of daily life: think, for example, of how you feel when you’re sick and your friend brings a bowl of homemade soup around. However, a concerning data point reveals that a majority of young adults feel their parents appreciate them more when they succeed, with a quarter strongly believing their parents’ love is conditional upon academic achievement.

But it’s crucial for children to feel valued for who they are, not just for their accomplishments. The societal narrative pushes the notion that value is tied to achievement, but parents have the responsibility to dispel this myth. Parents should ensure their children know they are enough as they are, without any conditions attached. To truly convey this, parents need to be acutely aware of how they communicate. Mattering is often communicated through subtle actions or micro-practices. For instance, a simple, joyous greeting can make a significant difference in making a child feel valued. Demonstrating genuine interest and affection can go a long way in reinforcing a child's sense of self-worth.

The relentless pursuit of status makes us miserable

So, what else can be done to ensure children are nurtured in ways beneficial for their mental health? Well, one is for them to receive regular guidance that counters the prevailing narrative of success and achievement. And that’s where we adults come in – we can help them prioritize mental and emotional well-being over relentless achievement. 

Take it from Tim Kasser, a well-known psychologist and educationalist who has spent over three decades studying the relationship between the pursuit of career success, wealth, and self-image, and our overall well-being. His research surveys individuals about the importance of various life goals, such as job success, self-acceptance, community involvement, and personal connections. His results consistently show a troubling trend: those who prioritize materialistic goals suffer more mental health issues. This negative association is persistent regardless of age or economic status, with those focusing on status-driven objectives often exhibiting higher rates of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and substance use.

Kasser’s research leads us to an important point: namely, the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic values. Extrinsic values revolve around outward achievements and the opinions of others – think financial success, popularity, and conformity. Intrinsic values prioritize personal growth, community enhancement, and relationship-building. Our motivations for actions can be traced back to these values. For instance, pursuing a medical career for the high salary aligns with extrinsic motivations, while aiming to genuinely aid others aligns with intrinsic motivations.

As Kasser points out, though, these value sets operate inversely – that is, emphasizing one diminishes the other. This dynamic can be visualized as a seesaw. If one value such as materialistic pursuits dominates, others like community involvement or family time inevitably suffer. Balance is essential, as intrinsic values, such as investing in relationships or community service, provide enduring happiness and a sense of belonging. Conversely, extrinsic pursuits might offer temporary satisfaction but lack long-term fulfillment.

For parents wishing to instill robust intrinsic values in their children, modeling is crucial. If parents emphasize material possessions, wealth, or the prestige of attending a top-tier school, children often adopt similar value systems. To foster intrinsic values, parents can introduce their children to experiences that highlight value beyond societal benchmarks. This can be through family time, unplugged moments, nature outings, or community service. In doing so, they can help their children develop a balanced perspective, emphasizing the significance of relationships and community over mere personal accomplishments.

Embrace mattering, amplify joy

Society perpetuates two compelling – and, ultimately, corrosive – narratives. The first emphasizes scarcity, envy, and hyper-competition, prompting anxiety-inducing FOMO. The second suggests that our worth is determined by our achievements and possessions. 

It’s easy to see why these narratives make us miserable: they encourage short-term thinking that’s oriented to extrinsic values. If we only act on such values, we’re left feeling hollowed out – and unhappy. However, beneath these narratives lies a powerful and universal human longing that we should embrace: the desire to feel valued, to belong, and to be loved.

As we’ve seen, the concept of mattering is a potent remedy to the scarcity-driven mindset. Recognizing that individuals are intrinsically valuable, irrespective of their achievements, possessions, or societal status, can liberate us from the oppressive weight of constant competition. Such a mindset fosters an outlook of abundance, countering the prevalent zero-sum thinking that fuels feelings of inadequacy. Mattering emphasizes the recognition of inherent worth in both oneself and others, promoting a daily conscious choice to value human essence above external accomplishments.

Best of all, there’s a ripple effect of mattering among young individuals and their parents. Those who strongly feel they matter to their families, friends, and other key figures in their lives are more proficient in expressing how others hold significance to them. The story of Jack Cook underscores this phenomenon. After graduating from a prestigious university, he reflected on the influential figures in his life – classmates, teachers, and coaches. These individuals not only believed in him but also empowered him to believe in himself. After recognizing their invaluable contributions to his journey, Jack felt compelled to express his gratitude to them.

This cyclical nature of mattering is transformative. Feeling valued and appreciated creates a sense of fullness and fulfillment that inspires one to extend similar sentiments to others. It's an expansive, amplifying cycle – the more one feels loved and cherished, the more likely they are to genuinely celebrate the successes and joys of others, without a trace of envy. This positive, selfless elation in others’ happiness is encapsulated in the Sanskrit term mudita. This concept embodies an altruistic joy, underscoring the belief that the world possesses ample room for everyone’s happiness and success. It's the profound realization that celebrating another's achievement does not diminish one's own worth; their success becomes a shared joy.

Imagine, then, a world where everyone felt unconditionally valued by their families, friends, and communities. Such a world would be characterized by genuine connections, mutual respect, and shared joys. The ethos of mattering prompts introspection: How can one make someone feel valued, even if for a fleeting moment? Embracing and promoting this philosophy can reshape societal narratives, fostering a world where every individual feels they truly matter.

We have the power to create that world.

The relentless pursuit of success has led to rising mental health issues among young people, with external accomplishments often overshadowing intrinsic worth.  The transformative power of mattering, advocating for recognizing inherent value over mere achievements, fostering genuine connections, and celebrating shared joys.