Build and maintain strong relationships to find happiness and meaning in life.

Are you sick of playing relationship roulette in the hope of finding a real connection? If so, you’re not alone.

These days, trying to bond with someone can feel like a risk that’s not worth taking. So, in this piece to Plays Well With Others, we’ll attempt to remedy that by unveiling a treasure trove of scientifically backed strategies for nurturing meaningful and enduring relationships. 

By dispelling common myths about compatibility and offering solutions to combat loneliness, you'll discover how to forge enduring bonds in friendships, with colleagues, and even with family, without relying on chance.

Drawing from neuroscience, medicine, history, and more, this content sheds new light on the critical roles of friendship, community, and love within your life. So don't leave it to chance; jump in and learn how to play well with others.

Don’t trust first impressions

Picture this: You meet someone new, and boom! Within minutes you feel like you’ve figured them out. You know their type. But the truth is, you probably don’t. Snap judgments miss the mark far more often than you think.

Even so-called experts tend to get it wrong. It turns out FBI criminal profiling is as accurate as flipping a coin. Why? Profiling frequently relies on fuzzy clues, giving the impression that we have this unique insight when the truth is that we aren't very good at reading other people's thoughts and feelings at all. Because the truth is that we tend to see things that confirm what we already believe, letting our biases run the show (most of the time companies run profiling for their prospectibe customers or across interview table).

So, those first impressions? They happen super fast – and sure, sometimes they can be accurate. But they can also lead us down the wrong path, like when we favor someone solely based on looks. And once a first impression is set, our brains lock it away, making it tough to change. Eric Barker calls this the “First Impression Paradox,” and it can mess with our relationships big time.

To get better at truly understanding each other, we need self-awareness. We need to realize that sometimes we're seeing things that aren't there, trying to make sense of a world that's, well, not always sensible. Biases can lead to all kinds of reasoning, such as accepting half-baked information as "good enough."

So how can we break free from these internal biases and actually get what's going on with the people around us? One way forward is active listening. Pay attention to people's speech patterns and what they are saying rather than the position of their bodies. Before you slam down your gavel and pass sentence, ask open-ended questions, dig deeper, and collect more information.

Because when it comes to figuring people out, the real challenge isn't with them; it's with us. By recognizing our biases and making a conscious effort to overcome them, we can understand others better and strengthen our relationships. So, the next time you meet someone new, remember that first impressions might only give you part of the story.

Mastering the art of friendship

The definition of “friend” can be tricky these days, ranging from social media pals to lifelong confidants. However, at its core, friendship is about mutual aid and unwavering support. True friends have your back, even when it’s not convenient.

Friendship is like a universal language; it’s essential to our happiness, health, and overall success. Studies consistently show that people who have strong social connections lead more fulfilling lives. However, friendships are unique. They’re based on voluntary choices, making them delicate and susceptible to neglect.

We cannot discuss friendship without mentioning altruism. Scientists like George Price have debated its origins for years. His genetic research led him to propose that selfless giving is a survival strategy for our genes. But these results implied a world without genuine kindness. Price, unable to accept this, tried to negate his theory by slowly giving away everything he owned to help others. Unfortunately though, he succumbed to depression and took his own life. 

Did this prove there was no such thing as altruism? Well not exactly, as further studies actually showed that humans are hardwired for selflessness, and it makes us feel much better most of the time. But his tragic end obviously leaves room for doubt.

So let’s get practical. Altruistic or not, it takes effort to build and nurture friendships. Here are three quick tips to help you:

First, embrace vulnerability. This means sharing your true self, flaws and all, to create deep and lasting connections. Second, invest time. Dedicate time to nurturing your friendships. Regular connections – even quick calls or texts – can work wonders. And third, consistency matters. Show up for your friends during both good and tough times. Celebrate their successes and support them when they need it.

If this all sounds too cozy, maybe you're thinking of that friend who never shows up. True, there are many unreliable people in the world, and some of them pose as friends while actually being narcissists. To establish a connection with narcissists and reduce their aggressive or abusive tendencies, emphasize similarity and a sense of community. Take care, though, because narcissists rarely change their spots. It's up to you to decide whether dealing with them is worthwhile. Otherwise, friendship is a precious gem worth cherishing. Solid friendships are the foundation of a happy life. By following these tips, you’ll hopefully forge meaningful and enduring bonds that infuse your world with joy and purpose. 

But what happens when we want to get out of the friend zone?

The challenges and rewards of romantic relationships.

Love is a formidable force. In fact, 90 percent of the music we cherish wouldn’t exist without it. But love isn’t just Hallmark cards and breakup songs; it’s a complex character, both enchanting and demanding, capable of lifting us up or destroying us. It’s why you can’t forget your first crush and your thoughts sometimes drift to the one who got away.

Defining love is a challenge because it morphs into various forms – positive and negative, intense and serene. Sometimes, it’s about giving; other times, it’s about receiving. Yet, despite its ever-changing nature, love is one of the most powerful influences in our lives. It can be the spark that motivates us, pushing us to become better, kinder, and more compassionate versions of ourselves. In times of hardship, the love of a partner becomes our anchor, steadying us during life’s storms. Moreover, love acts as a unifying agent, bridging the gaps between us. While we each possess unique qualities, love encourages compromise and collaboration, drawing us closer together.

While the idea of love conquering all sounds beautiful, reality paints a more complex picture. Soaring divorce rates remind us that love doesn’t always triumph. Historically, marriage wasn’t really about love – it was about survival. Today, modern relationships are under immense strain, juggling passion, commitment, and high expectations despite couples having to spend less time together. The traditional "happily ever after" story frequently falls flat.

So how can couples reignite their love for one another? That’s up next.

 The key to lasting love

Ever wonder why some relationships sparkle while others fizzle out? There’s no one way to keep a relationship healthy, but there are proven principles that can help your love last. Here’s the deal: Switch from hustle and grind to bump and grind by setting aside special moments for each other. Think date nights and quality time spent reconnecting. Those cute surprises and sweet gestures? They aren’t just ways to mend fences; they’re constant reminders of your cherished bond.

Let's take a quick trip back in time. From the clinical Enlightenment of the eighteenth century to the Romantics of the nineteenth century, each era celebrates love in its own way. Romantics saw love through a fantastical lens, while Enlightenment figures embraced reason and observation. So, what’s the secret to a successful relationship today? In modern relationships, we need both. Love isn't always a fairy tale, but it flourishes when couples believe in their shared story – even if it's a shared illusion. 

However, the real magic happens when couples approach problems with mindfulness and effort. So, nurture your love intentionally, making it a resilient force that can weather any storm. A story of "we" has more power than a story of "I." Because knowing someone loves you makes you stronger and more resilient. While daydreams of perfect love may start the journey, it’s a conscious effort and positive interactions that sustain it in the long run.

Beware of modern love pitfalls like stress, financial strain, or communication gaps. These can lead to the sinister “negative sentiment override” (NSO), in which negativity overshadows positivity, igniting conflicts. Seek professional help if NSO becomes severe.

Here’s what’s interesting: Psychologist Dr. John Gottman has identified the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" of Marriage – toxic communication patterns that predict divorce. Keep the following in mind to avoid relationship disasters:

First up is criticism. To avoid this, make sure to address specific behaviors, not general personality traits. Next is contempt. To steer clear of this, avoid expressing disgust or disrespect to your partner. Third is defensiveness. Even when you think it’s warranted, try to remember to always stay open to feedback. And finally, there’s stonewalling. To avoid this, be sure to take breaks to prevent conversation breakdowns.

The point to remember is that every relationship has its share of trials and tribulations. Biases can shift from positive to negative at any time. What matters is self-awareness. When you falter, apologize and continuously work on improvement. Think of it as tending to a garden; relationships thrive with care, empathy, and mutual understanding. Sometimes they just need some time for growth.

 The importance of social support

The year is 1866. A group of lepers on Molokai Island faced a bleak fate. Abandoned and left with only a few supplies, death was near. However, the healthy residents made a remarkable choice. They could have opted for self-preservation, but instead, they chose to share their resources and care for those afflicted. The astonishing result? Everyone survived. This historical event vividly highlights our yearning for community.

When times are tough, our instinct to help one another emerges. Whether it's during war, famine, or a simple car accident, we instinctively rush to help those in need. So, what's the lesson here? In our quest for self-reliance, we often overlook the importance of community. Loneliness isn't just caused by physical isolation; it's a result of our modern focus on individualism. The solution? Striking a balance between solitude and social connection.

Let me break it down. Our relentless pursuit of control and status often leads us astray. We get lost in online relationships that lack the depth of genuine human connections. Sadly, in today's age of individualism, issues like depression and addiction have replaced the once-strong bonds of community. However, research shows that helping one another greatly reduces suffering. Believe it or not, simply being in a place where people look after you can make a difference. Acupuncture practitioners rely on it. Something known as the "care effect" triggers the body's natural endorphins, sending a clear message to your brain: "You're not alone."

Because we are obsessed with independence, we underestimate the power of interdependence – the intricate bonds that sustain us. Our biggest problem isn't a lack of material possessions; it's the absence of a supportive community. Ultimately, our success as a species is built on cooperation, not rugged individualism. Our social nature has been central to our evolutionary journey. So, if we want to be happier in social situations, we must rediscover the joy of being with and helping others.

 People can help you find your purpose

In the nineteenth century, a big question loomed large: What’s the meaning of life? Most of us are still looking for an answer. Traditional tales that once served up purpose on a platter withered away. Science struggled to fill the void. But here’s the twist: recent studies reveal that the meaning of life isn’t some complicated riddle. No, it’s simple – life is about belonging. Belonging runs deep in our DNA and is a crucial motivator. We’re social creatures, after all. We crave connections and yearn for relationships. It’s not just a whim; it’s a basic need. These connections give our lives a sense of purpose, making us feel like we’re part of a bigger picture. 

Skeptical? Well, think back to those times when you felt truly content. Chances are, they involved being part of a group, whether it was a close-knit community, a loving family, or close friends.

Now, science is invaluable, but it can’t answer the ultimate question, can it? This is where stories come into play – stories that go beyond just facts and figures. Stories have this crazy power. Most writers know that their work can influence not only how we feel but also how we act and make decisions. One study found that reading a personal story about a child in need led to a significant increase in charitable donations. Stories can either bring us together or push us apart. So the question is, how do we steer clear of division? The answer lies in creating new stories that unite us all.

In our quest for meaning, we’ve realized that science alone doesn’t cut it. So, it's time to reject radical individualism and start weaving new narratives that bind communities and breathe meaning into our lives. As old-school stories vanish and technology threatens to isolate us more every day, the path to discovering one’s purpose gets trickier. What we need right now are new, inclusive stories that can bridge gaps and bring people together. 

It’s worth a try, don’t you think?

 In the pursuit of happiness and fulfillment, relationships are the cornerstone of our well-being. These bonds provide us with love, support, and a profound sense of belonging. However, the path to nurturing and maintaining meaningful relationships is far from simple. Instead, it hinges on our ability to be vulnerable, honest, and supportive.

Effective communication, the ability to resolve conflicts, and the art of forgiveness are all vital parts of building and sustaining healthy bonds.

Take deliberate steps in your relationships and get involved in something bigger than yourself. It’s through these connections that you’ll discover the true meaning of life.