Unlock your brave, authentic self

Unlock your brave, authentic self to have transformative, fierce conversations.

Raise your hand if you want to be the friend who points out that their roommate’s fiancé seems like trouble. 

Or the employee who talks to their coworker about how missed deadlines are hurting the team. 

Or the manager who needs to rein in a team leader whose methods are a little too autocratic for the group.

Awkward conversations – very few of us enjoy them. After all, being present, embracing candor, and finding authenticity isn’t easy. 

Let’s discover exercises and techniques to help you become an expert communicator – and see that powerful, effective conversations can lead to transformation in both your personal and professional life.

Fierce conversations can alter lives

How did I get here?

It’s a question you may ask yourself as you survey your once successful business – now a shaky enterprise with disgruntled employees and an unhappy client base. Or as you consider your unsatisfactory personal life with a partner you no longer connect with.

If life is a board game, the dice you throw to advance in the game are conversations. But a conversation isn’t just words – it’s a relationship with yourself and others. So the type of conversations you have matter. They’re the difference between getting stuck at go and changing the whole trajectory of your life. 

Assuming you’re interested in that second option, your conversations need to be fierce.

Fierce conversations are powerful, passionate, untamed, and – most importantly – authentic. They’re the conversations the real you has – the version of yourself that might typically hide behind manners or fear.

In a company where fierce conversations occur, employees feel included and invested in the company’s overall success, leaders are effective mentors, mediocrity isn’t tolerated, and everyone feels comfortable and empowered to speak their truth. And at home, families and friendships can thrive in the safety of knowing that everyone’s best interests are at heart – even if the truth is sometimes hard to hear.

Let’s check principles of Fierce Conversations that can help us rewrite your relationships.

Find and honor everyone’s truth

In the fall of 2001, a Bering Sea crab fishery faced an odd situation: they’d received more than double their normal amount of orders from Japan. 

Why this spike in demand? Well, it was right after the 9/11 attacks, and many Japanese travelers had canceled their plans to visit the United States. They stayed home instead – and ate more crab!

What does this story illustrate? That in life and business, weird stuff happens – often in ways we can’t control. It’s in the details of how we respond to these vagaries of fate that we either succeed or fail. 

The key is to understand that there is a multiplicity of truths. And the fiercest conversations will honor as many as possible. That’s what the crab fishery did to deal with the sudden increased demand, considering that the fishermen, accountant, salesperson, and CEO all had a different context and truth. 

Here are the steps for including as many truths as possible when dealing with a business issue – with or without the crab.

First, identify the issue in one or two concise sentences, and categorize it. Is it a challenge? An opportunity? A recurring problem? Use bullet points to summarize the background and steps taken to date. With your current options, clearly state what kind of additional help you’ll need.

Second, set up a meeting and invite not just those who are directly involved, but also people who could be impacted downstream. When in doubt, include rather than exclude. Send context ahead of time, and make it clear you expect attendees to prepare. 

During the meeting, discourage people from taking notes – instead, insist on eye contact. Ask for feedback, and push for all sides of the issue. If someone doesn’t contribute, call on them by name. If someone disagrees, respond with authentic and genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Finally, ask everyone to write down their solutions and read them out loud. Summarize what you heard, give verbal thanks for participants’ contributions, and keep them posted about results. Honoring all their truths will lead to better, more nuanced outcomes for everybody.

Always choose authenticity

You’re in a meeting where your manager wants input on why a recent campaign failed. Although you know that his decision to greenlight an inexperienced contractor was the reason, you keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to lose your job!

But imagine if you did speak up. Sure, he may give you the stink eye – or worse. But because you identified the problem at hand, he may also improve his vetting processes.

Imagine that your authentic self – the one who wants to have this difficult conversation – is standing behind the version that’s afraid to do so. To have a fierce conversation, you must step out from behind the inhibited you.

Say we flip the scenario, and now you’re the manager. The same thing still applies. Let the authentic you step out from behind the version of yourself that is afraid to hear criticism. Take the blame. Accept the mistakes. Encourage input – it’s key to remain open and available, especially to the employee who may have spoken against you. Invite and cultivate radical transparency.

Here are some assignments that can help you find that brave, authentic self.

First, in a few words or phrases, write down how you feel about yourself, your life, and your work.

Second, imagine if your life were a movie. What would the plot be? The conflict? The perfect ending? This fierce conversation is with yourself, but it affects all your relationships: ask where you’re going and why, who will go with you, and how you’ll get there. 

Third, determine the people you need to have fierce conversations with. Your spouse? Your manager? Your siblings? Write down what you’d like to talk about.

Finally, identify one big issue you want to solve. Clarify it. Determine its impact and implications. Recognize how you’ve contributed to this situation, and what resolution would look like. Commit to action by creating and signing a contract with yourself.

These intentional clarifications and conversations are the foundation in your journey to finding your authentic self.

The importance of being present

Sometimes, being present means paying closer attention to what isn’t said.

Here’s an example. During one of those Fierce Conversations workshops, a participant was asked – let’s call him James – to talk about a problem. Then the audience was divided into three groups. A third of the participants to listen to what James said, a third to note his emotion, and the final third to pay attention to his intent.

Standing in front of the room, James spoke of his struggles with weight gain and his intention to do better through exercise and eating better. Afterward, the three listening groups were asked to discuss what they’d heard.

Group one repeated back the words that James had spoken.

Group two noted that James appeared frustrated and embarrassed.

But the third group’s verdict was perhaps the harshest. They declared that James wasn’t ready to do anything about his problem.

James disagreed with them, but it didn’t go unnoticed that he grabbed extra brownies during the next break.

Fierce conversations go beyond the words that are spoken. Listening and observing play a crucial role in understanding intentions. One effective way to do this is by maintaining eye contact. That way, you won’t get distracted by other things in the room and can give the other person your full attention. 

Being fully present means you can delve deeper into conversations. You can even prepare for a fierce conversation by asking questions like, “Is there a topic you hope I won’t bring up?” or “If you had more time to devote to something, what would it be?” 

During the actual conversation, you may have to bite your tongue – but avoid giving advice or making declarative statements. This is your chance to simply listen and be fully present, which is just as important as talking.

Master the art of radical candor

As a manager, it can be tempting to put off the awkward conversations about a junior employee’s less-than-stellar performance or a coworker’s slow progress on a project. But delivering that feedback is beneficial to everyone.

If you cringe at the thought of confrontation, don’t worry. There is a tried-and-true method of making the process of delivering feedback a lot easier.

To start, you’ll need to prepare a short opening statement that can be delivered in under a minute. In that statement, you’ll cover seven distinct parts.

First, name the issue. For instance, you could say, “Sam, I want to talk about how you lead meetings and the effect that has on the team.” Use words like “I want” or “I’d like,” which are less anxiety-inducing than “I need.”

Second, give an example: “I heard from some of your direct reports that you don’t send out agendas, and that meetings typically last 30-45 minutes past their scheduled end time.”

Third, explain your emotions: “I’m worried about the impact this will have on morale.”

Fourth, describe what’s at stake. You could say, “Several employees have approached me about leaving the team because they feel frustrated about wasting time.”

Next, show your involvement: “I should have stepped up earlier to give you this feedback before it became a topic of conversation among others. I’m sorry about that.”

Sixth, make it clear that you want to find a solution by saying something like, “I want to resolve this issue of inefficient meetings.”

Finally, issue an invitation for a response: “Could you please share your feelings about this issue with me?”

Once you’ve delivered your opening statement, move on to the next step: interaction. If the person you’re speaking to deflects, gently bring them back to the issue at hand. To wrap things up, work toward a resolution. Come to a clear agreement – not just about what has been understood on both sides, but about how things will proceed.

The left-hand column

Imagine a sheet of paper with two columns. The right column contains the things that are actually being said. The left column contains what you think about what’s being said. 

For example, let’s say you’re having a conversation with a friend who’s considering applying for a promotion. She is worried that her qualifications aren’t as strong as other candidates’.

Your right column might say the encouraging words you speak to her as her friend: “I think you have a good shot.” 

Then your left column might say, “But I don’t think you’ll beat out Ernesto, who had that amazing presentation last week.” Instead of not saying your left-column thoughts, which could help Jin, or blurting them out, which could hurt her feelings, try and find neutral ground: “I think you should apply. I can work with you on practicing your presentation skills.”

The left-hand column is also a place to note observations. Let’s have the example of David, who was having difficulties dealing with his son, Ron. Ron had got in with a bad crowd, fought with his parents to the point of threatening to hurt them, and left home. During the conversation with his therapist, it was noted that David seemed blank, almost emotionless, as though he was speaking from within a fogbank. When the observation was brought up, David admitted that he had not allowed himself to feel any emotion since his son left – and that yes, he saw himself as almost invisible inside a dense cloud. This insight helped and led David to the next level of healing.

We’re often afraid of offending someone. It can be hard to say out loud what we’re thinking inside because we’re conditioned to be “nice.” But speaking the left column’s truth is the fierce thing to do.

Temper your wake, and practice silence

You know how when you eat something delicious, it leaves a lovely flavor in your mouth that lasts long after the last bite has been swallowed? The same occurs when you eat something bitter or unpleasant – the taste can linger hours after the meal has been consumed.

It kind of works the same way with interactions. The way you interact with someone and make them feel may be intangible, but it’s still very real. We call this a “wake” – the feeling you leave behind when you’re no longer there. It’s important to be cognizant of your wake, and to take measures to ensure that the taste you leave is sweet and not sour.

So let’s look at what not to do. Calling people names, playing the blame game, extrapolating small things to all-encompassing ones and saying things like “You don’t get it” or “Here you go again” – those are all things you want to avoid. Keep in mind that words aren’t the only way to hurt someone. Facial expressions and tone of voice can have the same effect. 

If a situation is getting awkward or emotionally intense, it can be tempting to run away. But the more intense the scenario, the more important it is to stay grounded and authentic. Think of yourself as a crucible. Maybe someone says something to make you feel angry. Instead of melting, boiling, or cracking under pressure, become stronger. Become an iron pot where change can occur – where you can transform your anger into something more productive.

We’ve talked a lot about how to speak and what to say. Now, let’s briefly talk about the importance of silence – the final principle of fierce conversations. Silence can be used to introduce a significant pause, which gives you space to understand what the conversation is truly about. Being silent can also help you see what you feel. But beware of slipping into the territory of passive aggression, or a silence that congeals to the point of no return, which can wall off the conversation. Silence should be used as a tool, not a weapon.

Remember, conversations aren’t just words being exchanged between two people – they’re a lifelong relationship you build with yourself and others. Cultivating and conducting fierce conversations will lead to a more authentic existence, which will result in a healthier, happier you.

When you have a fierce conversation, the authentic, powerful version of yourself says the brave things that matter. A lifetime of fierce conversations can lead to better relationships with your colleagues, your loved ones, and yourself.