Take the shame and judgment out of ADHD and start managing your life today.

A famous couple are often stopped in the street by fans of their social media accounts. And most of these fans are crying.

This is a bit confusing to them. As the neurotypical half of their popular TikTok, they thought that they were just producing amusing and light-hearted snapshots of life with ADHD. It’s comedy, right? So what’s with the tears?

If you’ve lived a large portion of your life with undiagnosed ADHD, you probably get it, too. To have spent so long feeling broken, unable to do the basic things that seem to come easily to everyone else, then to find out that you’re not alone – it can be a little overwhelming.

This content is here to let you know that you’re not broken. Struggling with being on time? Can’t go a day without losing your keys? Constantly hyperfocusing on specific topics to the detriment of your daily obligations? Whatever the symptoms you’re dealing with, these anecdotes and advice will take the shame out of ADHD and make life more manageable for ADHDers and the ones who love them.

Let’s get started.

Nobody Loses Things on Purpose

Do you know that feeling when you check your pocket and your phone isn’t there? That rising sense of shame and humiliation, as you go back through the likely places, eventually accepting that you’ve lost another expensive device?

You may know that feeling very well. In your life you’ve lost thirteen phones, eighteen wallets, and two passports. You slept on your doorstep because you lost your keys. Your biggest shame comes from losing the last letter your mother ever wrote to you.

Nobody loses things on purpose. This is particularly true for those who live with ADHD. No matter how much you would explain that it wasn’t your fault, people called you disrespectful or careless. And you would believe them – nobody else loses three wallets in six months, so there must be something wrong with you.

This self-hatred slowly turned to understanding after your diagnosis. You didn’t need more shame and scolding – you needed help and compassion. These days, you still loses things, but have learned to change the way you talk to yourself about it, and have picked up a few tricks to make this symptom more manageable.

Leaving reminders doesn’t work. It just gives you another thing to forget to do, increasing the blame and frustration when you fail. Suggestion is one of acceptance. You have ADHD, and that means that you are going to lose things. It’s not your fault, and nobody should make you feel bad about it. Including yourself.

If you learn to regulate your emotions through breathing or meditation, the stress of losing something can be reduced. Pay attention to times when you’re rushing or overwhelmed – this is when you’re most likely to be forgetting something.

Put some safety measures in place. This is where a friend or loved one can help. Give a neighbor a spare key, or have your partner carry an extra phone charger, for example.

If you’re caring for someone with ADHD, the best thing you can do is offer a safe and supportive environment. Don’t make them feel bad if they lose something. Instead, help them when you can, and work together to fix any problems caused by the lost item.

Patience and compassion can go a long way.

Dealing with Time Blindness

You once managed to miss two flights … in one day. The first time you were overly optimistic with the Google Maps estimate, leaving at the last minute. Luckily the Airlines lady was sympathetic and booked you on another flight that same day. You can imagine that lady’s amusement – and your embarrassment – when you showed up at the desk four hours later, having missed the flight again.

Luckily the lady’s patience and good nature extended to another flight the next day, which you managed to make. But as your ADHD was undiagnosed at the time, the whole thing was very distressing.

You, like many who live with ADHD, suffers from time blindness. By your own admission, you are running late ninety-nine percent of the time. Not out of laziness or apathy – you just don’t register time the same way as your husband or partner.

For the ADHDer, there’s no difference between five and fifty minutes. Time is either now or later. When you say “I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes,” you genuinely believe it.

So what can you do? First, you need to accept that you’re not a wizard who can bend time. If it takes twenty minutes to get somewhere, you can’t leave fifteen minutes early and expect to be on time.

While you’re being honest with yourself, practice being honest with others, too. It’s tempting to say you’ll be there in ten when you’re at least twenty minutes away, but you’re still going to be late, and you’ll feel worse when you have to apologize again. Be honest and it will save you a lot of stress later on.

Make it into a joke if you’re comfortable! Establishing yourself as “the one who is always late” can take away a lot of the shame and pressure.

Likewise, if you are friends with a time-blind ADHDer, then be supportive and understanding. Gently or humorously call them out if they’ve made a time commitment you know is impossible. Take charge if you know the timeline is especially important, like catching a flight.

And just remember: they don’t do it on purpose.

Hyperfocusing: World’s Worst Superpower

Do you know what a shadoof is?

It’s an ancient Egyptian irrigation device. If you were friends with someone who is a prodigy in that during high school, she would have told you all about it. She might have even shown you the functional clay model she had made, or shared her history books, or shown you some presentations, or given countless other obscure facts – all about ancient Egypt.

This level of research and passion might seem impressive. In school it earned her the title of “gifted child” from her parents and teachers, a label that would go on to cause her a world of trouble. Because she wasn’t particularly intelligent or passionate – she was just exhibiting a common symptom of her then-undiagnosed ADHD: hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus is like a superpower that you have no control over. It’s as if Superman randomly started flying throughout the day. This ability to get deep into complex topics might look great from the outside, but it’s a problem when your attention should be elsewhere.

Her reputation as a genius caused a lot of stress and anxiety when she couldn’t apply this supposed intellect to a useful, real-world job. What good is being an expert on ancient Egypt when you’re supposed to be processing bank loans, for example?

If this struggle resonates with you, then take comfort. You’re not alone.

It’s okay to let go of the label of “gifted child” that your hyperfocus may have brought on. You are worthy of love and respect regardless of how creative or intelligent you are.

Using the correct language can take the shame out of it. You are not obsessive. You are not crazy. You are simply hyperfocusing, and that’s okay. Actually, it’s great if you can enjoy it for what it is.

When you’re going down a rabbit hole, have fun with it. Research and fantasize to your heart's content – just be wary of making any life-changing decisions while in hyperfocus mode. Also be aware of burnout.

This is where a loved one can help. If you see your ADHDer’s eyes glazing over after three hours of reading IMDB reviews, gently pull them away and show them a bit of love.

There’s nothing wrong with hyperfocusing. Just be kind to yourself.

Avoiding Task Avoidance

Picture this: you are in your university library, passionately helping your fellow students study for their upcoming economics exam. You are writing on the board, going through your notes, doing everything you can to make your audience understand the finer points of supply-and-demand law. It’s the ultimate study session.

Unfortunately, that’s not an exam that you need to study for. You were on your way to cram for your actual exam tomorrow, when you heard some other students struggling with a topic you were familiar with. So you took the opportunity to abandon your extremely important study plans and help.

This is a typical example of task avoidance, and a story many ADHDers know all too well. It’s not about avoiding unwanted tasks. Rather, it’s about avoiding whichever task you should be doing right now.

Take cleaning, for example. It may not be something you’re normally motivated to do – but when there’s an important email that needs writing, suddenly scrubbing the kitchen counters is the easiest thing in the world.

It’s easy to see how task avoidance can be a problem. So what can you do to manage it? Keeping in mind that it’s not your fault and you’re not a bad person, you’re going to have to learn to work with this part of your brain.

Learn to recognise it when it’s happening. If you consistently call yourself out, it will become a habit, and you’ll have an easier time getting back on track. Also, build a habit of simply getting important tasks out of the way first.

To ease your conscience, learn to look on the brighter side – just because the task you’re doing isn’t the one you’re supposed to, that doesn’t mean you’re not being productive. It’s great to be cleaning, even if that email is going unanswered!

And if you know someone who is avoiding a task, demanding they get on with it isn’t going to help. You can gently encourage, or even set a time limit if it’s very important, but sometimes it’s best just to be curious. Get involved with whatever interesting or creative task they’re working on.

It’s a part of who they are. Learn to love it.

Object Constancy and Staying in Touch

Remember your friends from high school? How you all went your separate ways – to university, or abroad, or wherever life was calling – and promised to stay in touch?

If you have lived with diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD, you may have struggled with this. Not because you don’t care about them or want to stay friends. Your attention is like a spotlight, brilliantly lighting up whatever’s in front of you. But the things outside that light, like your childhood friend who moved to a different university? That kind of fades away.

Soon, thoughts of that person come with a sense of shame and guilt, and any contact is hedged with apologies and excuses. “I only just saw your message.” “I’ve been so busy.”

You are not a bad person or a bad friend. You just struggle with something called “object constancy.” Basically, unless something is physically in front of you, it’s hard to keep it in mind.

The first step in dealing with this symptom is to stop trying to meet all of society's expectations for how you should or shouldn’t communicate. Rather, you need to be up-front with how your brain works, and what it means for your future interactions.

This can be as simple as saying “Hey, I’m very bad at texting and staying in touch. Let’s commit to a date to meet up for coffee.” No shame, and no misunderstandings.

It’s also good to avoid the shame spiral of not replying to friends. Ever feel bad about forgetting to reply to a text, only to feel worse when you receive another text from that same person? Don’t do that. Instead, don’t read a message if you are unable to reply right away. This’ll keep the notification there so you notice later.

If you’re in the middle of this right now, end it. Take a breath, send that apology message, and plan a meetup. You’ll feel better for it.

If you know an ADHDer who might be struggling with this, then you can help by removing pressure. Make sure they know that you’re not bothered, and be patient while waiting for replies.

Many relationships only flourish through face-to-face communication – and that’s okay.

Learn to Love Your Impulsivity

In your house there’s a cupboard. In this cupboard are the forgotten, often expensive, relics of the many impulsive financial decisions that you have made.
Your failed venture which started with an intense and fiery passion, and have been all forgotten and relegated to what Rich calls the “hobbies graveyard.”

This is not to say that every impulsive decision is doomed to failure. Your TikTok, podcast or may be your well written book all started from ADHD-fueled impulsiveness. You see, ADHDers aren’t put off by failure. They genuinely believe that the next idea will work.

The goal isn’t to stop the impulsiveness, but rather to keep it in check and avoid doing anything too dramatic. Patience is key. If you have an overwhelming urge to start a soap-making business, for example, take a breath and think about what it will actually involve – the costs, the time, the hard work. 

But you can still let yourself dream! Draw some logo designs for your soap shop, or start brainstorming different scent combinations if it makes you happy. Just don’t make any drastic financial decisions on your own. Get a team of more practically minded individuals to bounce ideas off. A caring friend is helpful here to keep things realistic, as long as they’re not judgmental or dismissive.

If you are that caring friend, then have fun getting caught up in your ADHDer’s enthusiasm! Their excitement is genuine, their creativity is real, and their idea just might be the next big thing. Keep an eye out for the more feasible plans, and you just might be there for the start of something great.

Impulsiveness doesn’t have to be a problem. Get it working for you, and you just might strike ADHD gold.

ADHD doesn't have to be a cause of shame and anxiety. You spent decades of your life living with the symptoms you’ve learned about in this content, thinking you were broken or missing basic skills.

A simple diagnosis changed everything. Now you know that your brain simply works differently from those of others. A shift in perspective, a few behavioral changes, and a lot of acceptance and compassion can go a long way to improving the life of anyone with ADHD – whether you have it yourself, or care about someone who does.