Unshackle yourself from your mother’s toxic grip

It’s a sad fact that not all parents offer their children unconditional love. If you were raised by a narcissist, you were programmed from a young age with the sense that you’re inadequate. No matter how hard you tried to meet your mother’s expectations, you always fell short.

Even as an adult, you’re still plagued by those difficult feelings from your childhood. This makes it hard for you to be happy, confident, and empowered. But there are techniques you can learn to free yourself from your mother’s hold, so that you can start to thrive.

We’ll explore what narcissism is, how its emotional impacts manifest in your life as an adult, and what you can do to start healing the wounds you’ve accumulated over the years.

There’s a reason your mom’s a narcissist – and it isn’t you

If your mom’s a narcissist, you’ve no doubt spent the majority of your life believing that you’re her biggest problem. If only you were more successful, more generous, more considerate, you’d finally win her approval and have that close relationship with her that you’ve craved all your life.

But if you want to start building a happier, more meaningful life for yourself, there’s something crucial you must come to terms with first: you are not the reason your mother behaves hurtfully. Narcissism is a personality disorder that is not caused by children – even adult ones.

It can be difficult to accept this fact after so many years of being told the opposite by your mom – whether bluntly, or more subtly through her interactions with you. What can help, however, is understanding what narcissism actually is and why it arises in some people.

Narcissism takes its name from the Greek myth of the beautiful hunter, Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. And self-obsession is definitely one of the traits of a narcissist. But something else drives their cruel behavior. It’s pathological insecurity – the result of upbring, genes, and temperament, as well as social conditioning.

Your entitled, dominant mom insists on commanding the room because – deep down – she doesn’t believe she’s good enough. Or your endlessly needy mom guilt-trips you into running all her errands because she’s desperate to keep you tethered to her.

While most of us experience a degree of self-doubt, a narcissist’s pathological insecurity is coupled with a complete lack of self-awareness. You mom doesn’t realize she’s insecure – she’s barely in touch with her emotions at all. And this means that her ability to empathize is basically zero. So, while she’s busy making herself feel important by criticizing or manipulating you, she can’t fathom that she’s causing you pain. The world of narcissists has only one agenda – to conceal their insecurities at any cost because they’re so afraid of them.

It’s important to accept, for both your sakes, that you can’t change your mom’s behavior, no matter how much you want to. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn skills to better manage your relationship with her, and reduce its impact on you. We’re going to explore some of those techniques now, by looking at how the behavior of narcissistic parents affects how their children feel.

Anxiety: the endless worries of the inner voice

When she was a teenager, she dreamed of becoming an elementary school teacher. But her mom – who was a prominent scientist – thought that working with little kids was beneath her family. So, she became a research assistant in a science lab after college. She hated every minute of it. And to make matters worse, the voice in her head constantly told her she was ungrateful – that there was something wrong with her because she didn’t love what her mom loved. After all, following in her mom’s footsteps hadn’t improved their relationship, so she really must be fundamentally flawed.

If you have a narcissistic mom, you’ll probably also have a voice in your head that delivers a steady stream of criticism and commentary. Every waking hour, it ruminates over past conversations, analyzes your decisions, and frets over future events. This is called repetitive negative thinking – or RNT – and is associated with anxiety, depression, poor memory, and a reduced immune system.

It’s typical for the children of narcissists to experience RNTs. This is because narcissists are highly critical. From an early age, you were taught to pre-empt your narcissistic mom’s reactions to everything you thought, felt, and did, to minimize any pain you might experience as a result. If your mom was a spotlight-stealing type, you grew up retreating into your own head, since there was no time or space for you. And if your mom was the needy type, her manipulative ways made you doubt yourself, causing you worry and confusion.

Children with narcissistic parents often think that their tendency to worry is yet another character flaw. But this isn’t true. That negative voice in your head is not even your own; it’s your mother’s. It’s so used to having airtime that it’s drowned out your own inner voice. And to top it off, a lot of what that negative voice says is static anyway – not even worth your time.

“Great!” you’re probably thinking. “How do I turn it off?”

Well, trying to eliminate the voice is about as productive as trying to eliminate your mom altogether. It’ll keep popping up, just like when you try to push an inflatable ball below the surface of a pool. What you can do, though, is to take away the voice’s power by seeing it as separate from you.

One simple way to do this is to give the voice a name. She called hers “Aunt Marge,” after Harry Potter’s critical and opinionated relative. When Aunt Marge showed up, she would acknowledge her and delegate her to the background, or imagine she had a volume button that she could turn down. When she does this, Aunt Marge’s voice becomes a whisper, making space for her own voice. By personifying her anxiety in this way, she can create some distance from her worries and release herself from their hold.

Shame: the belief that you are fundamentally flawed

When journalist Allison was forty-five, she won an award for an investigative piece she wrote about the chemical waste found in her local rivers. As she was leaving the award ceremony – plaque in hand – she overheard someone ask if she was a scientist. Shame gushed through her, as her inner voice piped up. Of course they would question her abilities! After all, she wasn’t a scientist. Someone with a proper scientific background would have done a much better investigation than her. As Allison drove home, instead of feeling happy about her award, she worried over how long it’d be until everyone found out she was a fraud.

Shame is the feeling that there’s something wrong with you, at the very core of your being. For people raised by narcissists, it’s as predictable and unwelcome as peak-hour gridlock in the city. You feel that you’re so fundamentally flawed that you don’t deserve anything good that comes your way. You don’t even deserve acceptance or belonging.

Shame is a tricky emotion because it hangs around – sometimes for our whole lives. When we experience a traumatic event that causes us to feel shame, the emotional part of our brain stamps our body’s response into our memory archive so quickly that the logical part of our brain doesn’t have a chance to process it.

When Allison overheard the comment at the award ceremony, her brain didn’t have a chance to reason that the speaker might have been so impressed by her article that they thought she was a scientific researcher. Or maybe they were marveling at the fact that she wasn’t, given the quality of her work. Instead, what was triggered was a response that Allison had had when she was a child, when her narcissistic mom had mocked her for wanting to be a writer and shamed her for being clever.

It’s not possible to stop yourself from feeling shame when you’re triggered. But what you can do is give shame some space, even though this might be painful. Doing so will help you manage your emotions and see shame from a new and healthier perspective.

Start by recognising shame when you feel it. How does it show up in your thoughts? How is your body responding? Is your face flushed? Are your legs trembling? Have your palms gone sweaty? This is your body re-enacting the response it had when the initial trauma occurred.

Next, identify something you value. Shame triggers a feeling of worthlessness, directing you away from what you love or driving you to hide an aspect of yourself. For instance, Allison didn’t initially want to tell her friends about the award in case they also thought she didn’t deserve it. But she then recognised that having meaningful connections with others and championing the environment were two of her core values. So, even though she felt uncomfortable, she did tell her friends of her success and they went out to celebrate together. And motivated by the chance to make a difference, Allison went on to write about more environmental issues that were important to her.

Finally, shift your perspective on shame. Trace through your history to identify any moments that might trigger you. You’ll likely find your narcissistic mom present in them. Acknowledge that your mom’s hurtful words and action arose from her personality disorder, and not from you. Identify that the way your mom sees the world is unique to her, and doesn’t represent the views of everyone else. Your mom lashed out at you because of her own insecurities, not because of who you are.

Powerlessness: the vulnerable child within you

Throughout Janice’s childhood and adolescence, her narcissistic mom would go into Janice’s room whenever she liked. Sometimes she even read Janice’s diary. When Janice got angry and confronted her mom, she was told that she was overreacting and that her mom could do whatever she wanted since the house was hers. This stripped Janice of any sense that her wishes and voice were important – something to be respected.

Brittany had a different experience with her narcissistic mom, who had a terrible relationship with her own mother. Every day, Brittany’s mom would complain about Brittany’s grandmother, saying what an awful person she was and how much misery she caused. Brittany was expected to sit and listen to her mom rant. If she didn’t, her mom would accuse her of being uncaring – just like her grandmother. There was never any room for Brittany’s feelings, or for what was going on in her own life. Like Janice, Brittany was backed into a corner by her mom’s manipulative and self-serving behavior.

These are just two examples of how powerless children with narcissistic parents feel. If these stories don’t resonate with you, take a moment to reflect on times when you felt imposed upon or disrespected by your narcissistic mother, where your voice and your needs were trampled under the insistent hooves of her own.

Now think about how this might be resurfacing more broadly in your adult life. Perhaps you find it difficult saying “no” to the neighbor who’s constantly asking you to collect his kids from school. Maybe you feel angry and overwhelmed when people in your workplace disrespect your religious practices. Or you might find yourself frequently hooking up with your ex, even though you know deep down that they don’t want to get back together. You feel so helpless in these situations, like everyone has power except you. And this is just how you felt as a child, under the thumb of your narcissistic mom.

Narcissistic mothers typically make their children feel that they have no rights. They’re not allowed to have any privacy, they’re not entitled to their own feelings or thoughts, and they definitely don’t have the right to say “no”. And on top of this, their mom makes them feel that they’re responsible for her happiness.

When children are raised this way, they don’t have the chance to learn what healthy boundaries are. Boundaries are the internal rules we establish for ourselves to distinguish what we view as acceptable from what isn’t – both in the actions we’re willing to take and how we expect others to treat us.

To set boundaries, you need a few resources at your disposal: you need to know what you think and feel; you must have the ability to value and manage your emotions and thoughts; and you need to be willing to act on those emotions and thoughts – even if you suspect someone else isn’t going to like it.

For the child of a narcissist, this list of resources is intimidating. You find it hard to know what you think and feel, because of that loud, critical voice in your head. Your mom has consistently invalidated your thoughts and feelings. And you’ve also been told that other people’s feelings are your responsibility – just like Brittany’s mom taught her.

Luckily, setting boundaries is a skill you can learn at any stage of life, and one that comes more easily with committed practice. If you’ve never established boundaries before, you’ll initially feel overwhelmed. That’s why it’s important to start small, practice self-compassion, and remember that this is a skill in which you’ll gain confidence over time. You can do this with a simple two-step process.

Start by identifying one important area of your life in which you want to feel more empowered. For instance, like Allison, you might want to nurture your relationships with your friends because you value connecting with others.

Next, think of one small step you can take to create boundaries that support that goal. For example, you might choose to log-off your work emails on time once a week so you can meet a friend for dinner, even though your manager might not like it.

Over time, you’ll get more and more comfortable with experiencing the uncomfortable feelings that arise when you assert your boundaries. They may never go away, but you’ll be able to move forward in their presence, finally empowered to live a life that meets your needs and honors what you value.

Acknowledging that your mom’s narcissism isn’t your fault is no easy or small matter. But it can signal the beginning of a journey to a life where your mom’s narcissism doesn’t affect you so deeply. Along this journey, your confidence will build as you learn to tune into your own voice, instead of that critical one in your head. And over time, you’ll come to accept that you are not fundamentally flawed. Just like all the other children of narcissistic mothers, you are intrinsically valuable – just as you are.