Recover from Nice Guy Syndrome.

In the last five decades, the “traditional family” has changed considerably. The result is a new breed of men we call them “Nice Guys” – who’ve been brought up believing they need the approval of others – especially women.

These men are happiest when they’re making other people happy. They avoid conflict. They’re peaceful and generous. And above all, they want to be different from other men.

When a man demonstrates all of these qualities, in return he gets to be happy, loved, and fulfilled, right?

Unfortunately, the answer to that is a resounding no! It’s a complete myth.

Here we’ll explore how to identify whether you’re a Nice Guy and how that might have happened, how you can learn to love yourself and regain your masculinity, and finally, how to get the love and sex that you want.

What’s a Nice Guy and am I one, too?

Nice Guys are everywhere. If you’re listening to/reading this, chances are that you think you’re one too.

Typical traits of Nice Guys include letting their partners manage everything, doing anything for anyone, avoiding conflict, telling people who work for them exactly what they want to hear, avoiding rocking the boat and as a consequence getting walked over, never saying no, being dependable and reliable, suppressing their feelings … the list goes on and on, but you get the picture.

Okay, so many men have one or two of these traits, but Nice Guys? Well, they seem to have a considerable number. But is that such a bad thing?

Actually, yes. You see, calling these men “Nice Guys” is a bit of a misnomer. They can be anything but nice.

To achieve what they want, Nice Guys can be dishonest, secretive, manipulative, and controlling. Sometimes, they might appear to be generous, but in reality, they never give if they don’t also expect to get. They crave appreciation or some other reciprocation in return. What’s more, Nice Guys can become passive-aggressive in their behavior, venting their frustration and resentment. And in addition to all of that, they also find it difficult to set boundaries.

But here’s something we really should make clear before we go much further: recovery from Nice Guy Syndrome is absolutely not about becoming the complete opposite. It’s not about not being nice anymore, it’s about becoming “integrated.”

That means accepting yourself as you are – your uniqueness, assertiveness, courage, passion, imperfections, and mistakes. It means taking responsibility for your own needs, being comfortable with your masculinity, expressing your feelings, setting those all-important boundaries, and working through conflict. Put simply, It means accepting your perfect imperfection.

If you’re serious about breaking free from Nice Guy syndrome, you need to find safe people who’ll help you – a therapist, therapy group, religious leader, or a close friend. Since most Nice Guys are seeking the approval of women, to be truly effective, you should start your recovery with other men, not women.

So before we turn to how to recover from Nice Guy syndrome, next, we’ll quickly cover how you became a Nice Guy in the first place.

How did I become a Nice Guy?

Nice Guys don’t feel that it’s safe or acceptable for them just to be who they are. They believe that being themselves is somehow bad or even dangerous. As a consequence, they become a Nice Guy as a coping mechanism. But why would they believe this? Well, as is often the case, it begins in childhood.

As babies and young children, we’re entirely dependent on others to respond to our needs promptly. As a result, our greatest fear is one of abandonment. We’re all pretty much egocentric at that age too – we’re the center of our own universe, everything revolves around us. That generates a problem: we end up believing that we’re the cause of everything that happens around us.

When we feel abandoned – whether that’s when we’re hungry and nobody feeds us, or cry and nobody comforts us, or worse, a parent gets angry with us, neglects us, hits us, or shames us – our conclusion is that we’re the cause of that painful experience. We come to believe that we can’t just be who we are; there must be something wrong with us. This psychological state has a name: toxic shame.

To overcome this toxic shame, we hide our flaws, we try to become what we think others want us to be, and we seek approval from everyone around us for doing that. And then, as a consequence, we expect to get our needs met, be loved, and have a great, trouble-free life.

It doesn’t work. So what can we do about recovering from that? Let’s find out by exploring to greater extent.

How can I learn to please myself and make myself a priority?

Nice guys find it impossible to believe that anyone will like them just as they are because of their toxic shame. So they set out on a quest: they seek approval for everything they do. Getting that approval is what, to them, validates their worth.

So let’s look at three things you can do today to set you on your road to recovery.

First, stop seeking that external validation. Seek approval only from yourself. Ask yourself questions like: What do I want? Does this feel right to me? What makes me happy?

Next, take good care of yourself. Do nice things only for you such as exercising more, eating healthy food, and making sure you get enough sleep.

And third, have some regular alone time. Use that time to discover who you really are and what you like about yourself. Even consider going away on a retreat somewhere nobody knows you. Reflect on your life and practice taking responsibility for your own needs.

As we already mentioned, Nice Guys always try to meet the needs of others. They do this while trying to be “low maintenance” themselves. Why do they do this? Well, again, it stems back to childhood issues. Often as a child, their needs weren’t met promptly. This led them to think that they were bad for having needs in the first place and that it was because of their needs that people ended up abandoning or hurting them. This continues into adulthood.

Nice Guys have developed survival mechanisms in a misguided response to this. They try to appear not to have any needs themselves – but in reality, they’re very needy. This results in Nice Guys trying to obtain their needs through means that are indirect, manipulative, and controlling. They even make it difficult for people to give to them. And in extreme cases, to make sure they don’t get what they want, they connect with fellow needy people and push other people away. They often revert to covert contracts to get what they want, too. These are unspoken agreements which go along the lines of “If you do this, I’ll do that. And we’ll pretend that this contract doesn’t exist.”

So remember that having needs is perfectly human. Make a decision to start making your own needs a priority. What might surprise you, is that when you do that everyone around you will benefit too!

How can I reclaim my personal power and masculinity?

Personal power is the power within you to meet problems, challenges, and adversity head-on. When you exhibit personal power, not only do you deal with these, you actively welcome them. It’s not that you’re unafraid. Actually, it’s because you are afraid that you have the power – you simply don’t give in to your fear.

So what can you do to reclaim that personal power? Here are six things you can start today:

First, surrender. Let go of the things you can’t control personally.

Second, stop believing things about people and situations that aren’t based on reality.

Third, express and embrace your feelings. When you’re in touch with your feelings it makes you powerful, assertive, and energized. Everyone has feelings, so face up to your own and recognize that others also have feelings. Let go of the unnecessary baggage you’re carrying around with you, too.

Then, face your fears. Healthy fear lets you sense danger. Nice Guys, on the other hand, also have memory fear which originates from not getting their needs met promptly when they were children. Stop playing it safe, and face those fears. Remember that whatever happens, you can handle it!

Fifth, develop integrity. Don’t rely on others or second guessing what others would think is the right course of action. Decide what you believe to be right, and do it.

And finally, set boundaries. Don’t go overboard with this. Only resist as much as is necessary. Remember that if someone crosses your boundaries, it’s not the other person’s problem, it’s yours. As a Nice Guy, up to now, you’ve let other people know that it’s OK to violate your boundaries. As you change and take responsibility, the behavior of those around you will also change and, as a result, your relationships will have more chance to not only survive but grow stronger, too.

And what about your masculinity?

As a result of social changes which began after World War II and which continue to this day, boys and men often believe that they have to hide what are considered to be negative male traits. Instead, they think they have to become what they think women want them to be if they’re to be loved and have a smooth life. The result is generations of men who’ve become more and more passive, disconnected from other men, disconnected from their masculinity, and dependent on approval from women.

But without our masculinity, as a species, we’d have become extinct many eons ago. Masculinity not only gives men strength, discipline, and courage, but also passion, persistence, and integrity. Unfortunately, it’s also associated with bad traits such as aggression, destruction, and brutality.

The suppression of these negative traits by Nice Guys in their attempt to please women, also results in the repression of other positive aspects. The result? Loss of sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, and ego. It leads to a loss of leadership in the family, too, leaving women to lead instead. A role they don’t want.

So how can you, as Glover puts it, get your testicles back?

First, connect with other men. Do some guy things with other guys. Perhaps you could join a sports team, go to a poker night, do some volunteer work together, or simply hang out.

Then, get strong. Stop filling your body with junk and get fit through swimming, weight training, martial arts, or other sport that will build your physical strength.

And third, find some healthy male role models. Think about what they would look like and the traits they would have. Find some men like that. Observe how they behave in the world and learn about what manhood is about.

How can I get the love and the sex that I want?

Here’s the thing. You’re never going to find the perfect partner and your relationship is never going to be perfect, either. So to help you get the love you want, here are two things that you can do to make sure your relationship works:

First, approve of yourself. Live your life exactly how you want. People who like you for who you are will stick around. And those who don’t? Well, they won’t.

Second, set boundaries. When you do this, you create an atmosphere where you and your partner can be intimate and vulnerable together. Your partner feels secure and, in turn, loved. Boundaries will create respect between you and your partner.

And here’s something for you to think about if you’re single or your relationship has come to an end: do something different. Don’t choose the same kind of partner. Break the nice-guy cycle of picking someone who needs help or has had bad relationships or money problems in the past. Find someone who’s taking responsibility for their own life. 

And another important thing: don’t let the relationship become sexual until you really know the other person. Why? Once your relationship becomes sexual, you stop learning about each other, and it becomes more difficult to break up if you discover things about your partner that are unacceptable to you.

And whatabout when it does come to sex?

Well, almost allnice guys have had some form of unaddressed fear and shame about being sexual and being sexual beings. Sex is where everything – their toxic shame, their fear of abandonment, and all their myriad dysfunctional coping mechanisms become amplified. The way this manifests itself includes not getting enough, having dissatisfying sex, sexual dysfunction, sexual repression, or some form of sexual compulsion – and that could be a pornography addiction, peep shows, cybersex, using 900 numbers, or even frequenting prostitutes.

So what can you do about this?

The first thing to do is come out of the closet! Get that fear and shame out in the open where it belongs. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP! Talk about your sexuality, your sexual history, and your experiences. Share pornography that you find arousing. And while you do all this, don’t repress your feelings whether those be shame, guilt, fear, or even arousal.

Next, learn to take matters into your own hands. Literally. Before you can have really passionate fulfilling sexual experiences you must learn to experience the same by yourself through healthy masturbation – and that means without pornography or fantasizing. After all, if you can’t pleasure yourself without such distractions it’s likely you won’t be able to with someone else without the need for similar distractions. Learn what feels good to you and become responsible for your own sexual pleasure.

And finally, don’t settle for anything less than good sex. And that means two individuals each taking responsibility for meeting their own needs. So let go of the idea that you need to be a good lover, be clear and direct about what you want, and choose an available partner. Bad sex is not better than no sex.

You need to follow the example of the bull moose. Be competitive, strong, fierce, and sexually proud. Bull mooses are just what they are, and they do just what they want to do – and that attracts their prospective mates.

You’ve seen what constitutes a Nice Guy and how childhood experiences can create Nice Guy Syndrome. You’ve also discovered what you can do to recover from this.

But now, there are two final questions you should ask yourself about your life: Is the life you’re creating the one you want? And if the answer to that is no, why not? 

The most probable answer to that second question is that fear is getting in the way. Most Nice Guys are controlled by their fear. It’s fear that stops you from asking for the raise you deserve. It’s fear that stops you from continuing your education. It’s fear that stops you from setting up your own business. It’s fear that stops you from living where you want to live. And above all, it’s fear that makes you afraid of your own success.

So stop settling for your current reality and face your fears head-on. Chart your own life and take responsibility for getting what you want. Visualize it. Work at it. And make your dream your reality.